An excerpt from Deborah Baum…
“I feel guilty about everything. Already today I’ve felt guilty about having said the wrong thing to a friend. Then I felt guilty about avoiding that friend because of the wrong thing I’d said. Plus, I haven’t called my mother yet today: guilty. And I really should have organized something special for my husband’s birthday: guilty. I gave the wrong kind of food to my child: guilty. I’ve been cutting corners at work lately: guilty. I skipped breakfast: guilty. I snacked instead: double guilty. I’m taking up all this space in a world with not enough space in it: guilty, guilty, guilty. “
Is guilt healthy or unhealthy?
It can be either or both. Healthy feelings of guilt motivate you to live according to your authentic values, which, in turn, can improve your relationships with others, since you are more likely to treat them with respect and do your fair share. However, unnecessary or excessive feelings of guilt can also be a psychological burden that interferes with your emotions and quality of life.
What you can do?
If you are prone to feeling the unhealthy kind of guilt in which you are always beating yourself up for not doing enough, use the tips and tools below to set yourself free. It takes a lot of practice and deliberate re-thinking to change an entrenched pattern of guilt, so be patient with yourself:
8 WAYS TO STOP FEELING GUILTY…
1. Look for the evidence
If you feel guilty because you’re not doing enough for your kids, partner, or family, list all the things that you regularly do for them. Then keep the list in your purse or wallet to pull out when guilt rears its head!
2. Be direct and get more information
Ask the people you think you’re neglecting whether they actually feel neglected. Consider whether they have a tendency to expect too much and not take enough responsibility for themselves (e.g., teenagers who expect you to pick up after them). Then think about how an outside observer would view the situation. If you conclude that you really aren’t doing enough, then come up with some solutions or compromises that balance everybody's needs.
3. Appreciate yourself and all that you do
Write a “self-gratitude” diary at the end of every day, noting at least three things you did that day that furthered your goalsor helped someone you care about. At the end of the week, read what you’ve written. Guilt and perfectionismhave a negative bias. They make you pay attention to what you’re not doing right. By writing down what you actually did, you can overcome this bias and force yourself to focus on your accomplishments.
4. Think how you would you see things if the roles were reversed
Would you think your friend or partner wasn't doing enough given all they had going on? We often find it easy to be compassionate and understandingwith others but are too harsh on ourselves. By deliberately taking the other person's perspective, you’ll likely see your situation in a more objective light.
5. Curb the "black and white" thinking
Are you thinking about the situation in all or nothing terms? Do you think that if you're not the perfect partner/daughter/parent you must be the worst one on the planet? Try to find the gray amid all that black and white. Consider other ways of seeing the situation. Try to judge your efforts in context, rather than always expecting perfection.
6. Look for the emotions underneath the guilt
Might the guilt be masking other feelings like anger, intimidation, or resentment? If you're in a relationship with a very needy person or a narcissist, you or your partner may convince you that you're being selfish by setting limits and saying no. Over time, your guilt and inner conflict may actually be masking resentment.
7. Decide how much you're willing and able to do
If you honestly feel that you haven't done enough for your partner or family member, then make an authentic commitment to taking specific caring or helpful actions going forward. If you can't do all the housework in the evening, decide which pieces you can commit to doing. Then communicate this willingness to your partner in a proactive way.
8. Realize it's okay to take care of your own needs
Some of us were the family peacemakers who took care of others all the time. Perhaps you had analcoholicparent who was incapable of taking proper care of you. As an adult, you may still silence your own needs or feel they are less valid than those of your partner, child, or friend. But you don't have to let this reaction to past trauma shape your relationships in the present.
Excerpts by Melanie Greenberg, Ph.D.